A yearly pattern I’ve noticed suggests that throughout the entirety of every November, I’m forced into multiple challenging, heart-breaking, or stressful situations. While scrolling back to memories from previous Novembers in my camera roll, the pain and sadness I’d experienced came flooding back into my mind. Some may perceive that I look happy in those pictures, but only I know how incredibly miserable I truly felt. The one thing that usually gets me through is knowing that somehow, I always come out stronger and more mature after November ends. However, this year’s November almost killed me.
Having grown up in an environment where my emotions were nothing more than an inconvenience to my potential success, I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to be less than perfect. And by slowly, I mean giant tortoise speed slow. So, when my quarter-life crisis surprisingly hit me last month regarding my vision of what I want my future to be, my anxiety levels skyrocketed. I started to realize my obsession with time and how there is never enough time nor energy to do everything I want to do in not only my life, but in a single day, or in a single hour. Every small task in my life became a heavy burden that never failed to cause my heart rate to increase tenfold. This is only a small blurb of what I was experiencing, but for the purposes of personal privacy as well as keeping this blog at a good length, I’ll move on.
Perfection does not exist and what I had mistaken for “perfection” previously, simply revealed to be another person’s utopia: more specifically, my parents’ utopia. Throughout this November 2019, I’ve gone to hell and back, but the pain, agony, and despair has allowed me to philosophize what the true meaning of adulthood means to me. Additionally, I’ve decided to incorporate two video shoots I did with two awesome photographers/videographers to aid me in sharing my past month discoveries with you.
Earlier this year, I was invited to shoot with two separate photographers who are also amazing videographers (or vice versa)!
Shooting with Chris Holmes (@cholmes__) was actually one of my first shoots on Rice University’s campus. Usually photographers have a specific outdoor location in mind for a specific theme or have rented a studio. So this was an awesome new experience! We explored most of the campus and shot at many well-known portrait locations amongst anyone who sets foot onto Rice. Additionally, we also shot a few clips inside Herzstein Hall and the Duncan Engineering Building, which portrays the part of me that is a full time student on weekdays. This is the version of me most people know and although earning a college degree remains an incredibly important goal of mine, there is much more to me than meets the eye.
Take a look at two featured photos as well as the video:
Outfit details: Zelly top from Brandy Melville (XS), Pink skorts from Urban Outfitters (XS), Disrupter II sneakers with pink and lavender detailing from Fila, Necklace from Kendra Scott
Chris did a wonderful job with this video in capturing one of the most important parts of my life currently: attending Rice University.
Meeting up with Donte Cherry (@thrumylenz__) and his two friends (Carter and I cannot find the third photographer’s name but I remember he was a Leo 🤠) was so much fun! Donte is a Taurus, Carter is a Libra, and the third photographer was a Leo, so I loved talking #tea with them. In only a few hours, they took some amazing shots as well as an amazing video. I absolutely loved the music Donte chose as well as his camerawork. The angling is perfect, because he still captures my jawline from a lower view as well as my outfit.
I personally think Donte’s video captured the part of me that craves new experiences, especially new social situations. Ironically in the past, my 6th grade advisor actually suggested to my mom that I try speech therapy, because that’s how strongly I was against interacting with anyone. To be clear, I’ve never had any speech problems, which my mom made perfectly clear to my unhelpful advisor 😡😡. The true reason was due to my fear of judgment from others. Since kindergarten, I had been looked down upon for my loud personality from kids around me as well as teachers. So, I learned to just stay quiet and never voice any opinions, but then people started seeing my lack of personality as a problem. Explained away with the fact that I was “foreign” and that “Asian people are just weird,” my personality was constantly shoved together with my ethnicity. In actuality, I was born in America, grew up in Texas, and the first time I visited China and Mongolia was the summer of 2018. From kindergarten until high school, these comments made me isolate myself from my peers because I thought I simply wasn’t compatible with kids that looked different from me. I thought maybe their culture was too different and they would never accept me. However, I didn’t feel welcomed by the Asian community either.
The characteristics that I’ve decided is a part of who I am, such as Cobalt blue hair (I’ve had the same color since 2016 🤠), eye-catching makeup, outlandish dreams, or even just the way I converse with others, has always received criticism from many. I’ve always heard “That is just too much makeup” from the same Asian parents that continuously compete with each other on where their children go to college, as if they were betting at a horse race. From others, a frequent insult always includes my eyes and how “chinky” or “slanty” they are. But I think they go for my eyes, because look at me; they truly can’t find anything about me that’s less than perfect. And since my eyes are one of the most obvious parts of me that people can link to something “alien,” they think it is also a source of shame for me. Good thing it never has been LOL, like what do you want me to do about it? That’s just what I look like, so deal with it.
Hopefully, my rant got across the main point: my unique traits and characteristics has nothing to do with my ethnicity nor do I have to stifle my interests in cosmetics or beauty in order to fit in with those who claim me as one of theirs just because of my ethnicity. In even simpler terms, just because I’m Asian does not mean I have to major in STEM, study 24/7, nor prove myself to others. Just because I’m Asian does not mean I can’t wear makeup. It does not mean I can’t model. It does not mean I can’t be, act, or look different. Sadly, most of the people I’m addressing are in the Asian community alongside my parents but also those who feed into stereotypes that ultimately damage people before they’ve even had a chance to live.
There is much more I would like to say regarding this matter, but I’ll save that for another blog post. For now, here is the link to a great article titled “Why are Asian American Kids Killing Themselves?”
Donte’s video perfectly captures the environment I thrive in: an energetic place with people who are supportive. And I’ve noticed that each person on Earth embodies a unique fountain of knowledge and wisdom that’s constantly spilling out. Exchanging knowledge or helping others work through their complex thoughts is my favorite thing to do in the least cliche way. But also, let’s not forget how much I love hearing tea and just knowing more about those residing around me at Rice University.
Outfit details: Black bustier top from Fashion Nova (XS), White pencil skirt from Fashion Nova (XS), Rhyton sneakers from Gucci, Earrings and Necklace were Tahitian Pearls gifted to me by my mom
November is always such a transformative time in my life and I’m grateful for the maturity gained, but let’s just say after having lived through it, I’m more grateful that it’s over. May future Novembers bring more lessons, but hopefully less pain.
Video is also posted on Donte’s Instagram page. Click here to see that!
Happy Holidays everyone! I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! And hopefully, I’ll be publishing another blog before 2020, so I can also wish y’all a Happy New Year! 🤠
Which outfit was your favorite? Comment below on this post or on my insta pic posted on the same day as this blog!
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